Thank you for the love and support opening up about my story. It’s truly amazing when you finally open up how many people so close to you struggle with the same issues and we all walk through each day with a silent struggle.
But I’m sure no one came to hear me gush about my friends and family so let me tell you about my step 2. Real rock hard solid bottom.
I tried to kill myself, with a kitchen knife, with my boyfriend in the same room. This was my rock bottom. Up to this point I had screaming panic attacks where I couldn’t breath laying on the floor, I cut my wrists but always superficially because I truly was scared to die as much as I thought that’s what I wanted but then one day my rock bottom snuck right up on me and boom there I was. Holding the knife and ready to use it.. I was also hurting one of the people that I cared most about.
By this point my depression and anxiety were no longer just affecting me but having a significant toll on the people closest to me. My mom took weeks off work prior to this to be by my side every waking minute and I appreciate her so much for it. When my mom couldn’t be there one of my many best friends were always there, making sure I was okay. And for the most part I could put on a brave face if not to soothe myself but at least to soothe my loved ones. I genuinely got to the point of thinking it was easier for everyone if I wasn’t around which in hindsight is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. The thought now of putting those people through the hell of losing a daughter, a best friend, a partner, it’s what makes me hold on when I have a bad day.
Before the kitchen knife incident I had written my suicide notes, one to my mom, one to Andrew, and one to my friends. I hoped in some way they would understand and forgive me for not being stronger. What I also realize now was that I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. There is a huge difference between these things now which I realize that at the time they seemed like one in the same. The only solution. If there is one thing I wish would have gotten through to me sooner it would be that there are so many solutions out there and I was the one making myself alone but I most definitely wasn’t alone.
At this point I adamantly refused to go to a hospital after Andrew stopped me from doing something horrible to myself and the only reason I refused was because I was embarrassed. What if someone found out, what would work think, will everyone look at me as the crazy girl?! I should have gone to the hospital. I’m sure I could have gotten on the correct med dosage a lot quicker if I had but one thing that never changes is what a stubborn dumby I can be. What that incident did do though is pushed away someone who was only trying to help me but didn’t know how, Andrew. He was scared and I don’t blame him but at the time I most definitely did and I felt like he was abandoning me when I needed him most.
What this horrifying experience led me to was this:
STEP 2: start counselling. Well this was probably the most mortifying thing to think about at the time. Literally my thought process – “only crazy people see counsellors/psychiatrists”. Well in my mind only crazy people try to stab themselves with a kitchen knife so maybe I was in the right place. In reality, some of the most mentally healthy and stable people see them on a very regular basis. Surprise, right?! And don’t think this was an easy step either. I cancelled appointments, no showed and made excuses not to go but when I did finally grow some balls and get myself there and trust me that first bit talking is PAINFULLY AWKWARD. Like hello, let’s small talk when we both know I’m here because I’m a basket case. Or at least that’s how I felt. I went to my first counsellor for a few months and she helped a lot and although we didn’t click I definitely recommend seeking out a counsellor. I’m still on my journey of finding the right fit for me and I’ll certainly let you know once I do find that magic connection but in the mean time I’m going to keep talking and realizing that it’s not embarrassing to get help.