Alright, so now that we have all established that I am at least slightly crazy I’ll continue on. Actually side note, I’d like to take a moment to address the word “crazy”. I HATED the word crazy for the longest time and I think because it is always used in such a negative and demeaning way but crazy can also be good. I think that’s why I decided to use the word crazy more casually about myself is because for me that helped to destigmatize the word. I used to cringe every time I hear, “You’re acting crazy” or “You sound crazy being so jealous”. Crazy was a gross word. Like moist. Actually moist is just disgusting. Don’t get me started on moist. But rant avoided, crazy doesn’t have to be a bad word. Embrace your crazy and decide that a certain word won’t hurt you.
Today what I really want to touch on is insecurity. This is something I struggle so much with and something that I think most people and especially most women struggle with on a very regular basis. There are a lot of different areas where you can feel insecurities and they can present themselves in a lot of different ways. For example, I have a very irrational fear of voicemails. Now let me say, there is ZERO reason for this. I have never had a traumatic voicemail but for some unknown reason I am always terrified of voicemails and that someone is going to be angry with me over a voicemail. Hence irrational fear of voicemails. So heads up, if you need to get a hold of me and you call and I don’t answer, send me a text. Actually no, leave me a voicemail. Maybe exposure therapy will help here.
I am also extremely insecure when it comes to appearance and physical fitness. This causes me to go through cycles of all in where I’ll work out twice a day and obsess about missing a workout and when I miss a workout I get very in my head and end up missing the next week because I just kind of give up on the whole thing. What I am trying to do now is just do things because I like it and I like the way it feels not because I want to look a certain way. I mean if it happened to make my arms toned and thinner looking I wouldn’t complain but I am really trying to just accept my body for the good parts and the not so great. Before I ever realized that I struggled with these kinds of things I went through a phase where I worked out like a crazy person for a year, barely drank (and we all know I love wine) and was very restrictive on my eating. I LOVED the way I looked and I was also a solid 25 pounds lighter than what I am right now but I am fine with the way I am now. I eat what I want, I work out when I want, and I have a glass of wine when I want. No, it’s not perfect and I absolutely still think, “ahh should I really eat this” and then I think, WHY NOT?! One chocolate bar is not going to make my butt the size of Saturn’s rings.
Relationships are another very large source of insecurity for me. As much as I wish that I was that cool, go with the flow, I’m confident and nothing bothers me person, that is just not who I am. I constantly worry that there’s someone better out there or someone that would be a better fit. Someone who wouldn’t have meltdowns from time to time or someone prettier, a better cook, likes to clean more, the list goes on and on. These insecurities don’t just apply to romantic relationships either. They can completely apply to friend relationships too. I continue to struggle a lot with these types of insecurities and Andrew and I have talked about that they have been a huge source of the starts of our fights in our relationship. It’s tough from both sides – being the one who feels insecure and like you’re not good enough but it’s also tough from the side of the person who feels they need to provide constant reassurance. It’s a balancing act for sure.
I wish I had some miracle self help here’s how to cure your insecurities type of advice for you, but the truth is there isn’t one. There is no cookie cutter way to deal with insecurity and sometimes it’s just something you need to have an ongoing rationalized dialogue with yourself in your mind. And trust me, in my experience at least, sometimes there’s just no way to rationalize with that bitch in your head and sometimes you need to just accept that too. Beating ourselves up is getting us nowhere. The other thing to remember is insecurity doesn’t necessarily mean anxiety. Insecurity is a totally normal part of every day life. Sometimes it’s getting over those insecurities that can make things just a little more exciting too.